


"The Gang Does a Slightly Different Clip Show (Probably)"

by lamphouse



Series: It's Always Sunny (But Not on TV) [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 13, Denial of Feelings, Episode: s13e02 The Gang Escapes, Episode: s13e03 The Gang Beats Boggs: Ladies Reboot, Episode: s13e04 Time's Up for the Gang, Episode: s13e05 The Gang Gets New Wheels, Episode: s13e06 The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem, Episode: s13e07 The Gang Does a Clip Show, Episode: s13e09 The Gang Wins the Big Game, Episode: s13e10 Mac Finds His Pride, Frame Narrative, Friends to Friends With Benefits to Lovers, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Getting Together, In Medias Res, M/M, Missing Scene, Screenplay/Script Format, Season/Series 13, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-25 07:29:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16192928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamphouse/pseuds/lamphouse
Summary: The story of how everyone found out about Mac and Dennis sleeping together and how Mac and Dennis actually started sleeping together, in that order.





	1. Cold Open

**Author's Note:**

> **HI THERE!** this fic is in a screenplay format, so make sure you have "show creator's style" on to get the formatting! UNLESS you're on mobile, in which case you should turn it off, cuz they conflict weirdly
> 
> EDIT jan 2019: moved the "mac finds his pride" chapter further back cuz the timeline was bugging me, but the content is the same

[TITLE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfIV40JMLAM):

_10:40 am_

_Tuesday_

_Philadelphia, PA_

**DENNIS** (V.O.)  
---  
  
C'mon, baby, just get back in the car and we can talk about it.  
  
**MAC** (V.O.)  
  
Absolutely not.  
  
**DENNIS** (V.O.)  
  
     (whiny) _  
Mac_.  
  
CUT TO:

EXT.  STREET — DAY

MAC is stomping along the sidewalk, a few blocks down from the bar. DENNIS follows him slowly in the Range Rover. Mac does not respond.

CUT TO:

EXT.  PADDY'S

Mac passes CHARLIE, who is sweeping up broken glass, without a word.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
Hey, dude, where have you—? Oh, okay.  
  
Dennis parks and approaches.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
Dude, what's up with him?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Idiocy.  
  
No pause as he stalks past Charlie into the bar.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
Alright then.  
  
**DEE** (O.S.)  
  
Hey, what—  
  
CUT TO:

INT.  PADDY'S

Mac is angrily wiping down a glass, DEE next to him with her empty hands in the air. Dennis and Charlie enter.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Dude, seriously.  
  
No response. Mac shoves the glass (not actually clean) back into Dee's hands and picks up another glass, staring at the ceiling in a way that is both angry and nonchalant.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Mac—  
  
**MAC**  
  
What? You wanna do this here?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Come on, man, I just wanna have an adult conversation about this.  
  
Charlie looks to Dee. She shrugs. No idea.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Yeah? How long do you think you'll last this time?  
  
Dennis lunges, hands in claws, only stopped when Charlie grabs his shoulders.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
What's going on?  
  
**MAC**  
  
     (to Dennis)  
You want me to tell 'em? Cuz I'll tell 'em.

     (to everyone else)  
Dennis wants us to stop banging. Again.  
  
Dennis lunges. Again.

| **DEE** | **CHARLIE**  
---|---  
 What?!  | _I knew it!_  
**FRANK**  
  
Woah woah woah. Hang on.  
  
Everyone tries to look like they knew Frank is there.

**FRANK**  
---  
  
You two are finally banging?  
  
Mac and Dennis nod, the latter reluctantly. Actually, now that you mention it, Dennis looks a little seasick, like he forgot they had an audience.

**DEE**  
---  
  
When? When on earth did you—?  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
How the hell did that happen?  
  
Mac and Dennis squint at each other.

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

[ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKFIDLMliHo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so! i had the idea for this fic in the middle of the night last night and my notes are scribbled all over each other but i'm so pumped about this fic you have no idea
> 
> basically this is gonna be a couple scenes from most of the episodes this season, "the gang gets new wheels" and onward. ik the timeline is wonky this season, and i absolutely am gonna be making up shit for episodes that haven't aired yet (and honestly will probably disregard them anyway for my own purposes lmao), but idk, you'll see!
> 
> also there will probably be more description in the action lines than your average teleplay, but no one's ever gonna perform this*, so i gotta give you visuals somehow
> 
> updates are probably gonna be real quick! again, super pumped, and also on fall break lmao
> 
> ETA feb 2019: i totally forgot but!!!!! the very good intro was inspired by [this post](http://reynoldsnbauer.tumblr.com/post/176831053522), which i just saw and realized it didn't come from my own head
> 
> *rcg hire me challenge


	2. The Gang Gets New Wheels

FADE IN:

INT.  MAC AND DENNIS'S APARTMENT — NIGHT

The front door opens, letting in just enough light to tell that the figure that enters is Mac, in the same clothes from the cold open of the original episode. He heads first for the kitchen, humming to himself, and stands in front of the open fridge chugging orange juice.

Only when he turns to lean against the counter do we see Dennis leaning in the doorway to Mac's room.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Shit!  
  
Mac doesn't even pretend to not be startled. Dennis still doesn't move.

**MAC**  
---  
  
_Jesus Christ_ , dude. What the hell are you standing around in the dark for?  
  
Still nothing. Then: Dennis steps forward in the way that he thinks makes him look like a panther stalking its prey or some shit.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Waiting for you.  
  
**MAC**  
  
     (beat, confused)  
Okay... Sure.  
  
Mac puts the orange juice down on the counter and turns back to the fridge.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Not gonna lie, man, I kinda forgot how goddamn weird you can be.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Mac.  
  
Dennis pushes past the fridge door and crowds Mac up against the counter.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Uh—  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Don't you want to know why I came back?  
  
**MAC**  
  
...Not really?  
  
Dennis's facade falls for a second before coming back in full, seductive force.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
     (closer)  
I think maybe you already know.  
  
**MAC**  
  
     (weaker)  
I really don't, dude.  
  
A beat, and then Dennis's hands come up to cradle Mac's face, and the last of Mac's restraint goes out the window. They are very,  _very_ close. Mac swallows, conspicuously.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Why'd you come back, Den?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
This.  
  
Dennis kisses Mac.

Only for a second—he pulls away, takes a breath, and leans in again before Mac even seems to register he was gone. This time it's a real kiss. The only light is from the still-open fridge, but we can see Mac's hands migrate up Dennis's back, Dennis's thumb on Mac's cheek.

It's actually incredibly tender—the jokey seduction aspect has evaporated. And then we just...

CUT TO:

EXT.  A PARKING LOT — DAY

A couple days later. The Range Rover (which we can see is carrying Dennis and Mac) pulls into a random, empty parking lot, pulling around to a sectioned off corner under some trees.

Dennis shuts off the Range Rover, cutting David Byrne off mid-["never for money"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsccjsW8bSY), and gets out of the car. Mac pauses before following, the dubious to Dennis's determined.

**MAC**  
---  
  
     (stepping down)  
What exactly are we doing out here?  
  
In lieu of answering, Dennis reels him in by the front of his shirt. They are kissing, for a while. Somewhere along the way Dennis gets a hand on the backseat door handle, and he pulls away to yank it open after a couple unsuccessful tries.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Wait, what...  
  
His hands hang in the air as Dennis backs up to sit in the backseat, still facing Mac in the abandoned parking lot.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Just go with it.  
  
Mac does. He's good at that.

CUT TO:

INT.  RANGE ROVER — DAY

Mac and Dennis are still making out. Some eighties song is barely audible in the background, playing on the stereo. Someone's phone is ringing.

Still ringing.

Ringing...

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Oh my god, just pick it up.  
  
Dennis swats at Mac's shoulder until Mac detaches from his neck and fumbles in the pocket of his pants (which are on the floor) for his phone. While Mac is fumbling, Dennis leans forward to turn down the music.

**MAC**  
---  
  
     (terse)  
What?  
  
A moment of silence while Mac listens, at first irritated and then slowly more and more confused. Next to him, Dennis (very prim) fixes his hair in the rear view mirror.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Okay.

Okay.

Sure.  
  
Mac hangs up, confused.

**MAC** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
So Charlie decided to start serving food at the bar and Dee set Frank on fire. And then maybe also part of the bar itself.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Jesus Christ...  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah. So, good news is, no work tonight!  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Because our moronic friends set our  _bar_ on  _fire_.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Dude! Silver lining!  
  
Mac kisses Dennis on the cheek. Dennis looks dazed, but Mac doesn't notice.

**MAC** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
Hey, you know what we haven't done since you got back? Monthly dinner.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Yeah... Yeah.  
  
**MAC**  
  
There's this place that Charlie was talking about— Okay, well, Charlie was talking about the dumpsters, but then I went to check it out, and—  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Mac?  
  
He puts his hand pretty high up on Mac's thigh.

**MAC**  
---  
  
...Yeah?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Dinner can wait, right?  
  
Mac has that dumb puppy look on his face.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Uh... Yeah.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Good.  
  
Cue kissing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want you all to know that while i was writing the kiss "in your eyes" started playing and i lost my fucking mind
> 
> up next: a scene from "the gang escapes"!


	3. The Gang Escapes

FADE IN:

EXT.  APARTMENT BUILDING — NIGHT

Siren lights illuminate the gang (sans Dee) as they ignore AMANDA THE ESCAPE ROOM LADY's panicked ranting.

**AMANDA**  
---  
  
This has _never_ happened before. No one's ever been seriously injured in one of our rooms. I mean, one guy got a paper cut off a clue and tried suing us, but no one's ever needed an _ambulance_.  
  
**FRANK**  
  
Ooh, now _there's_ an idea. Although I don't know if they should be suing us or we should be suing them.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Oh, definitely us suing them, right? I certainly can't afford to be sued.  
  
**AMANDA**  
  
Are you kidding me? Your friend just fell off the side of a building and you're thinking about money?  
  
When it becomes obvious no one is listening, she leaves. No one notices. After a second:

**FRANK**  
---  
  
Alright. Steaks tomorrow?  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Woo!  
  
Frank twirls some keys as Charlie climbs into the passenger seat of a car so shitty it can only be Dee's.

**FRANK**  
---  
  
We'll get the steaks in the morning and meet you at the hospital, yeah?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Yeah, sure, whatever.  
  
Mac waves as Frank and Charlie pull away, then turns to head inside before sighing.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
At least our apartment's still intact.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah... Well, mostly. Frank and Charlie probably wrecked a bunch of my shit.  
  
Dennis pats him on the shoulder once.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Yeah, probably.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Ugh, and my bed's covered in broken glass and shit. Goddammit.  
  
A beat. Dennis looks... contemplative, and genuinely so.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Well... You'll just have to sleep with me then.  
  
Mac opens his mouth to make an impulse joke, then stops.

**MAC**  
---  
  
I don't know, dude. I'm still kinda mad at you?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
     (totally oblivious)  
What, why?  
  
Mac turns his face into the light and shows both us and Dennis the bloody scratches again.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Oh. Right.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
I—  
  
Dennis actually looks contrite as he reaches up with both hands, one on Mac's unharmed cheek and the other hovering above the scratches. Mac looks a little stunned, under the general skepticism.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Uh, Dennis...? What are you...?  
  
He doesn't continue, as Dennis is now kissing his cheek _incredibly_ gently. Sort of... above the scratches? But not totally, because, again, they pretty much take up the whole side of Mac's face.

Dennis pulls back only an inch so he doesn't have to look Mac in the eye.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Sorry.  
  
His voice has the same timbre as it did when he opened his Valentine's gift. Mac is now fully stunned.

**MAC**  
---  
  
     (several beats)  
...Okay.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Come to bed?  
  
**MAC**  
  
     (one beat)  
Okay.  
  
They head inside, Dennis holding open the door for Mac. For just a second, we see Dennis's hand rest on the small of Mac's back as he passes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up next: jimmy buffett interstitial music, bitches.


	4. The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

FADE IN:

INT.  PADDY'S LADIES BATHROOM — DAY

Mac pokes his head in the bathroom door, looking around incredibly shiftily. It's empty, so he enters fully, revealing his a godawful Hawaiian shirt. It is both tragically hetero and the gayest thing anyone's ever seen and, of course, no longer has sleeves.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Dennis...?  
  
An arm sticks out of the last stall and beckons at an odd angle. The edge of a patterned sleeve is visible.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM STALL — DAY

There is absolutely not enough room in there for two grown men. Like, Mac isn't necessarily standing on Dennis's feet? But it's pretty close. Their ugly Hawaiian shirts blur into one huge eyesore of green and purple.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
There is absolutely not enough room in here for two grown men. Which I guess makes sense—  
  
**MAC**  
  
You're the one who picked the ladies room, dude.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Cuz no women ever come to this bar and it's clean as shit in here. What, you wanna go back to the alley?  
  
Mac shudders in a grossed out way that, by virtue of the close quarters, immediately becomes in a sexy way.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Wait, are you—?  
  
**MAC**  
  
What, no, shut up.  
  
Dennis is absolutely _not_ going to do so, so Mac kisses him. Again, close quarters, immediately sexy. They're literally on top of each other, grabbing at each other's clothes like if they aren't touching they'll fall over dead, which, in this case, is at least half true.

For once, misogyny is an asset—if women were ever in this bar and needed to pee at that moment, shit would've gotten weird.

Then, of course, the previously muffled distant steel drum sounds turn up and...

**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
---  
  
Dennis? You still in there?  
  
CUT TO:

INT.  PADDY'S LADIES ROOM

 _Shit_. Charlie's hovering in the doorway, kind of shielding his eyes so he's not looking directly into the bathroom. He has a long-sleeve Hawaiian shirt open over a regular tee with the sleeves rolled up, and we can see that his arms are covered in little scratches. Behind him, we can see the cheap tropical decorations littering the mostly-empty bar.

CUT TO:

INT.  BATHROOM STALL

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
...Yeah.  
  
**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
  
You find the backup backup rat bleach yet?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Yeah, I'm just, uh. It's a little bit far back in the vent.  
  
CUT TO:

INT.  PADDY'S LADIES ROOM

Charlie looks excited, takes a step into the bathroom.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
Oh, you need a boost?  
  
CUT TO:

INT.  BATHROOM STALL

Mac and Dennis exchange a look, warning and panicked respectively.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
     (high-pitched)  
Nah, it's cool. I've got a...  
  
Mac mimes something with one hand (the other still around Dennis, of course). It's completely unintelligible.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
...Broom?  
  
CUT TO:

INT.  PADDY'S LADIES ROOM

Nope. Even Charlie looks skeptical.

CUT TO:

INT.  BATHROOM STALL

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
     (quickly)  
I've got it, man, you go back to crowd control, alright?  
  
A pause just long enough to be painful. We watch their faces.

**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
---  
  
Alright, cool.  
  
The sound of the door banging shut. Mac and Dennis sag against each other, relieved. They don't hear the door open again.

**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
---  
  
Hey, and if you see Mac, let him know I could use some help.  
  
Mac and Dennis freeze, even as the door swings shut again. Tense silence.

Then, Dennis starts laughing, hysterical at first and then genuinely. Mac is looking at him like he's lost his mind, so Dennis kisses him.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
To be continued then, huh, baby boy?  
  
He grins and raises his eyebrows. The expression is more human than he probably wants, but Mac only sees the intended taunt.

Refusing to rise to the bait, Mac shakes his head a little and bumps their foreheads together. His hands still fit themselves naturally at Dennis's sides. 

**MAC**  
---  
  
Whatever.  
  
Dennis props his elbow up on Mac's shoulder so he can card a hand through Mac's hair. He bites his lip as he and Mac just look at each other, and neither of them moves for anything more. They stand there for a second before the bathroom door bangs open again.

**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
---  
  
Hey, Dennis? Uh, might need your help out here...  
  
Dennis rolls his eyes and re-buttons Mac's shirt.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
     (low)  
Wait five minutes and then—  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah, dude. I know.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
     (beat)  
Right. Okay.  
  
One more kiss—this time, oddly unsexy. Then Dennis wriggles past Mac to get out of the stall. The door bangs shut, just as Mac sighs and falls back against the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i still haven't even seen the promo for this ep, so i am blissfully unaware of any specifics and just have, in my head, this chapter.
> 
> please comment tho!!!! i really wanna hear yr thoughts and theories, and also know i'm not the only one having a good time w/ this lmao (although if i am, that's alright, cuz i'm having enough of a blast to share some)
> 
> up next: my actual favorite chapter, the first i started writing, and kind of the cornerstone of this whole fic. "the gang wins the big game", in which i attempt to rein in the urge to put a bunch of minnesota specific stuff in it just because i can


	5. The Gang Wins the Big Game

FADE IN:

INT.  AIRPLANE — DAY

For once, the gang and their hangers-on are not wreaking havoc on a plane. Mac glances up from his in-flight magazine to check and yep, Frank is zoned out across the aisle, Artemis is doing some interpretive dance in her seat with her earbuds on, Dee is still in the bathroom, and the Waitress is passed out against the window a few rows back. Pretty quiet.

**MAC**  
---  
  
I don't think I've ever been sober on a plane before.  
  
Dennis scoffs.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Baby, you're not sober on a plane _right now_.  
  
He reaches across Mac to the empty aisle seat that they'd thrown all their shit onto the second Dee got up to pee. When he retracts his hand, there's a can of beer in it. Certainly contraband, but not enough to cause a problem. There's no competition this time—they're saving that for the game itself.

Mac shrugs and turns back to his magazine, but Dennis is still watching him.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Hey, you know what we should do?  
  
**MAC**  
  
     (not looking up)  
Hm?  
  
Dennis leans in. He undoubtedly smells like beer, but Mac doesn't seem to care. He's definitely looking now.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
How about I go sneak up to the first class bathrooms—  
  
**MAC**  
  
Dennis.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
What?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Seriously?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
     (hurt)  
What?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Dude, do you not remember how this whole thing ended last time?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Yeah, but...  
  
Mac waits, but Dennis doesn't continue, just sips his beer.

**MAC**  
---  
  
But what?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
I dunno.  
  
He slams the last of it and tosses the empty can at his feet.

**DENNIS** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
     (semi-under his breath)  
Didn't have you last time.  
  
Mac says nothing.

CUT TO:

INT.  AIRPLANE AISLE — DAY

There's a ton of people waiting at the bathroom. A stewardess walks up to the front of the line. She goes to knock on the door, but then there's a thunk on the other side, followed by a muffled moan, and she retracts her hand, grimacing, as the crowd disperses behind her.

CUT TO:

EXT.  MINNEAPOLIS — NIGHT

It's the beautiful, wonderful, freezing city of Minneapolis, its skyline only marred by the reason we're here: the world's ugliest stadium. 

**PILOT**  (V.O.)  
---  
  
...Humphrey terminal. The local time is four thirty and the temperature is a balmy fifteen degrees. Welcome to Minneapolis, and go birds.  
  
CUT TO:

INT.  U.S. BANK STADIUM — NIGHT

Mac and Dennis are standing in a chaotic line that's really more of a crowd at this point. Mac's Eagles hat matches Dennis's Eagles scarf, both items clearly brand new, both their wearers clearly freezing their tits off.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Why is it so fucking cold in this godforsaken state!  
  
Mac, not really paying attention, cranes his neck to try to see into the gift shop ahead. We can see a couple TVs showing the field and hear the crowd rumbling, so obviously the game is still going on.

**MAC**  
---  
  
I thought you'd be used to it, after South Dakota and everything.  
  
Dennis looks at him askance but doesn't pick a fight, not for the misnomer nor the subject itself (although  _god_ does it piss him off how blasé about it Mac always is).

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Yeah, well I was fucking freezing then too. _God_ , how much longer are we gonna be here?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Until I get that jersey, Den. It's the Super Bowl—if I don't get it now, that's like five hundred bucks on eBay. Oh shit, and if we get two, we could totally sell one for a ton of money! Dude, a Super Bowl winning Nick Foles jersey? We'll make a killing.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Yes, _Mac_. This is _the Super Bowl_ , and the Eagles are gonna _win_ , and we're here to witness it but we  _won't_ , because we're standing in this _fucking line_!  
  
By the end of it, Dennis is flat out yelling. A few of the people around them (who, we note, are just wearing sweatshirts and shorts) turn on them and looked a little freaked.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Dude, calm down.  
  
He puts his hand on Dennis's shoulder.

**MAC** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
Any minute now, Artemis will seduce the cashier, we'll get the jerseys, and then we'll be back in our seats in no time.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
We're halfway across the stadium, man, and there's—  
     (glance)  
—less than a minute left.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Well I can't stop time, Dennis, so we're here now!  
  
Dennis looks seconds away from throttling him right there in the middle of the crowd (whose attention has lapsed back to the screens) so Mac hurries onto:

**MAC** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
We can just stand wherever, dude. We'll probably even have a better view!  
  
Dennis looks marginally less murder-y, more pissed off. Behind him a football boy is running onscreen. More cheering, a little less distant.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
You know what, Mac? If you want these stupid souvenirs so bad—  
  
**MAC**  
  
Oh shit.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
What?  
  
Mac points at the nearest TV. The football boy (Tom Brady, I believe) is running and people are shouting. We see the screen only in the background of Mac and Dennis staring at it, the last few seconds before the pass fails or whatever, and then the stadium explodes.

Everyone is cheering, Mac is doing his happy/shocked laugh, and Dennis is frozen until Mac tugs on his shoulder to pull him into a kiss.

We fade out the crowd noises marginally as they keep kissing, like something out of a romcom but with a shorter suspension of disbelief.

Dennis is holding onto the lapels of Mac's leather jacket for dear life, pulling the neck of the hoodie underneath askew. He almost looks like he's about to cry? Meanwhile Mac could not look more content.

They separate, just barely. The framing suddenly looks familiar.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Dennis?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
What?  
  
**MAC**  
  
I love you.  
  
Dennis doesn't pull away like he did the last time Mac said it, and he doesn't stand there dumbly like the last time Mac showed it either. It's still sinking in that Mac's said it for real when Dennis leans in to kiss him, like he doesn't trust himself not to say the wrong thing, like he doesn't know what the wrong thing would be.

This second kiss is sweet, sweeter than need be. The crowd is still celebrating around them, oblivious, and they only break apart when some jackass knocks into them.

Right. Philly fans. Situational awareness is a good thing to have right now.

**DEE**  
---  
  
Hey, dickheads!  
  
Dee and Artemis appear out of the crowd, faces covered in teal and silver paint that is marginally smeared. Artemis has an insane bow, a ribbon-y mess on top of her head, and they both have a number of jerseys clenched in their firsts.

**MAC**  
---  
  
You got the jerseys!  
  
**DEE**  
  
Yeah, we've been trying to call you nonstop for the past two minutes. Where the hell were you?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
We were—  
  
**MAC**  
  
Right here. The crowd was too big, we couldn't get through.  
  
**DEE**  
  
Well we got them.  
  
**ARTEMIS**  
  
Yeah, we better scoot, though. Kinda snatched these bad boys when the riot broke out. Also, y'know—  
  
She twirls a finger. They all nod together.

**ALL**  
---  
  
The riot.  
  
Said riot is getting into full swing around them. A concessions cart topples nearby. People are leaping over fences to rush the field.

**MAC**  
---  
  
We should probably get out of here.  
  
They turn, as one, to elbow their way out of the stadium, Dennis's hand clutched tightly in Mac's. Chaos follows in their wake, but this time, it's none of their fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i personally believe that dennis has been living on the roof this whole time. also from what i gather from the ep descriptions charlie doesn't go to the game right? if he is though i may come back and change this just so he's in the bg or something lol
> 
> i think this is the last of the double posting days? i planned to only do them when one of the chapters was just one scene, but who knows, this fic could be finished by tuesday.
> 
> up next: total and complete spec that contradicts all of my theories about the actual episode and yet is still probably one of my favorite chapters. mac finds his pride!!!!!


	6. Mac Finds His Pride

FADE IN:

INT.  PADDY'S — DAY

Mac, having just finished his impassioned speech for why they should be a gay bar again, just this once, you know, for the money, is dragged over to the jukebox by Dennis under the guise of... something work related. It doesn't matter.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Before you start—  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Before I what? You don't know what I was gonna say.  
  
Mac holds up a hand.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Before you start: this isn't about—  
  
Said hand waves between them in an incomprehensible gesture.

**MAC** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
Y'know. This is about making money. And also, sure, me being gay. But mostly money.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Oddly enough, not what I was gonna say! What I wanna know is _why the hell are you letting my dad set you up_?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Deflection, dude! You're the one who said we have to keep people off our scent or whatever, with the whole—  
  
More hand waving. Dennis goes wide-eyed and very, very still.

**MAC**  
---  
  
What?  
  
Dennis shakes his head slightly.

**MAC**  
---  
  
     (exasperated)  
_Dennis_ , we gotta talk about it sometime.  
  
Dennis shakes his head again and jerks it to the side, looking past Mac.

**MAC** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
Okay, I don't know what you're—  
  
**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
  
Hey guys.  
  
Pan right to show that Charlie has been standing behind Mac for an unknown amount of time. Mac jumps about a foot in the air.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
     (tightly)  
Heyyy Charlie.  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
     (beat, wary)  
Hey. Uh, you guys know where we stashed the good plastic cups?  
  
**MAC**  
  
The colored ones?  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Yeah. Cuz of the gay thing, y'know?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah, bud, I sure do.  
  
A parting "we will talk about this later" glance to Dennis, whose brain is rebooting, as Mac leads Charlie away.

CUT TO:

INT.  PADDY'S — GAY

The bar is in full swing—not as packed as when they went full gay thirteen years ago, but still pretty populated. The atmosphere is upbeat but lowkey so. Most people are covered in glitter, yes, but they're chugging water bottles, and there's a group of people posing for pictures by the rainbow flag on the back wall. It's really sweet.

Mac is behind the bar and looks incredibly pleased. His hair is actually done good (the glitter's never gonna come out, but it's fine), he has those dorky rainbow sweatbands on, and he can't stop smiling at everyone who passes through. It's a good day!

**MAN** (O.S.)  
---  
  
Mac!  
  
Mac turns and—

**MAC**  
---  
  
Brett?!  
  
It's Brett! Mac's cousin from the pilot! Because every McDonald cousin is the gay cousin. He has a neat ponytail now instead of... whatever the hell he had going on in 2005, but he has the same huge grin.

**MAC** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
Holy shit, dude!  
  
**BRETT**  
  
I know, it's been forever! Oh, and hey, congratulations!  
  
**MAC**  
  
On...?  
  
**BRETT**  
  
Coming out! My mom told me, she's friends with your mom on Facebook.  
  
**MAC**  
  
My mom's on Facebook?  
  
**BRETT**  
  
     (doesn't hear him)  
You know, I kind of always suspected, but seriously, dude, proud of you.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah... Thanks!  
  
Charlie (who is wearing the ugliest rainbow cargo shorts) shouts incoherently as he pushes his way out of the back room and out the door, and Mac gets distracted.

**BRETT**  
---  
  
One of my husband's friends was telling us about this pub that was doing something for Pride and when I found out it was yours, I knew I had to come.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Your husband?  
  
Brett points; a pleasant looking man at one of the high tables waves.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Oh, cool, congrats. When'd that happen?  
  
**BRETT**  
  
A couple years ago. I would've invited you, but...  
  
Mac nods once, passing him two beers.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Yeah.  
  
**BRETT**  
  
But hey, what about you? You seeing anyone?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Uh...  
  
Speak of the devil—Dennis reemerges from the back room and comes up to stand behind/next to Mac, leaning across him to grab a beer.

Dennis, it should be noted, has on a nice short sleeve blue button up and some tasteful glitter under his eyes. All of them are wearing their "gay uniforms" Mac has assigned, but Dennis actually looks nice. Somehow, on him, it's natural—Like he put some real effort into it. Like he wants to make this work.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Feels like this is the seven hundredth time I've said it, but I mean it this time: No more Charlie Work for me.

Hey.  
  
He reaches over and pulls Mac's hand away from where it had been running through his hair out of awkwardness.

**DENNIS** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
I told you, you look great. Leave it alone.  
  
Mac's hand is covered in glitter. Dennis's hand, by virtue of holding Mac's, is probably also now covered in glitter. Mac doesn't stop staring at their hands until Dennis drops it to fill someone's order. The whole time he's talking and, y'know, doing his job, Dennis is never out of Mac's orbit, and never not focused on him.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Have you seen Charlie?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah, uh, he ran though yelling about something a minute ago.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Sounds about right. Okay, I'm gonna go do damage control.  
  
His hand lands on Mac's bicep. For half a second, it's incredibly clear that here is where they would kiss. Dennis squeezes Mac's arm before leaving, Mac staring at the spot he left behind.

**BRETT**  
---  
  
You guys seem sweet.  
  
Mac turns suddenly and blinks at him. Right. Brett's still here.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Oh, we're not—  
  
**BRETT**  
  
Dennis, right?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Uh, yeah.  
  
Charlie runs through the background, Dennis and Frank trailing him holding buckets of what looks like confetti but most certainly isn't. Mac raises an eyebrow as they pass and Dennis just shakes his head, not breaking stride.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Yeah... Wait, how did you know that?  
  
**BRETT**  
  
We met once, in high school. You brought him to a family reunion, right?  
  
CUT TO:

EXT.  A PARK — SOMETIME IN THE EIGHTIES

Just your typical Irish Catholic family reunion in Pennsylvania. Kids running around with dinky plastic fishing rods, chain-smoking grandmothers passing around paper plates and shooing grown ass men away from the sheet cake before it's time. There's a battered plastic-tarp-cum-banner reading "McDonald Family Reunion" draped sadly in front of a picnic table much too short for it.

The kids from the Christmas episode reprise their roles as YOUNG MAC and YOUNG DENNIS. Young Mac is wearing a too-big leather jacket, despite the fact that it's the middle of summer, and Young Dennis has an atrocious pastel polo (collar popped) to go with his awful perm.

Grinning like his smile has to power the entire city, Young Mac has his arm around Young Dennis's shoulders as he swaggers across the grass. Their chatter is inaudible but seems pleasant, and the ambient sound fades when they run into a kid with long-ish hair (YOUNG BRETT).

**YOUNG MAC**  
---  
  
Brett! This is my best friend Dennis! He's the coolest person I know.  
  
Young Dennis (gently amused) and Young Brett (neutral) shake hands, Young Mac beaming over at Young Dennis the entire time.

CUT TO:

INT.  PADDY'S — PRESENT

**MAC**  
---  
  
Oh shit, dude, I totally forgot about that.  
  
**BRETT**  
  
Yeah. It's nice to see you guys are still together.  
  
Mac looks a little sad but doesn't contest it.

**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
---  
  
_Goddammit!_  
  
**BRETT**  
  
I'll let you get back to it, then.  
  
Brett taps one of his bottles on the bar and steps away before Mac can begin processing literally any part of this situation, which now includes smoke pouring under the door to the back room.

Wait.

Distant banging, and we're thrown back into the A plot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know, i know, a flashback in a flashback, but i got super attached to the image of mac taking dennis to his family reunion and their terrible terrible accurate outfits and i just... had to write it. whatever. it's my fic
> 
> (and yes, yes, two chapters in one day. again: I AM EXCITED.)
> 
> up next: oh it's ladies reboot! this is a fun one, leaning heavy on the spec side of things. while the dee's away, the boys will play


	7. The Gang Beats Boggs: Ladies Reboot

FADE IN:

INT.  PADDY'S — DAY

Mac and Charlie are sat next to each other on stools, leaning over Mac's phone and chanting various pronunciations of "Dee" with the occasional "bird" thrown in. Dennis, next to them at the bar, looks on with disdain. 

**MAC**  
---  
  
Dude, I think she hung up.  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Aw, dang.  
  
**MAC**  
  
I didn't even get to check on my mom!  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Yeah... But _I_ didn't have to talk to _my_ mom, so I guess it all works out.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Don't worry, my mom'll take care of her.  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Oh come on, this shit again?  
  
**MAC**  
  
My mom is a protector, dude! It's in our blood!  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Like you've ever protected anyone in your life.  
  
**MAC**  
  
I protect you guys all the time! You'd be dead like a hundred times over if it weren't for me!  
  
At this, Dennis cuts them off like he's clearly been wanting to for a while.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Mac?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Can I talk to you outside for a second?  
  
CUT TO:

EXT.  ALLEY — DAY

Mac and Dennis are making out behind the door, as far from the dumpsters as possible. They've already been out there for a while; Mac has his back against the brick and his hands in Dennis's hair while Dennis sticks his hands up Mac's shirt.

However, despite the fact that it's two dudes making out in an alley, the scene is oddly sweet.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Dennis?  
  
Kiss.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Dennis.  
  
Kiss.

**MAC**  
---  
  
_Dennis_.  
  
Okay, no more kissing. Instead Dennis kind of nuzzles him in a way that is criminally adorable for such a bastard man—head bent, butting his forehead against Mac's cheek like he's a kitten. Disgusting.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Den.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Hm?  
  
Whatever Mac was gonna ask flies out of his head when Dennis hums against his neck.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Never mind.  
  
Mac's hand is on Dennis's shoulder, his thumb sweeping against Dennis's neck. Dennis closes his eyes at the action, leaning entirely on Mac, his face in Mac's shoulder. It's extremely tender, to the point where we feel a little weird watching.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Miss when you were soft.  
  
**MAC**  
  
     (laughing)  
What?  
  
Dennis pokes Mac's arm.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
When you were all squishy. It was nice. You made a better pillow.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Dennis, you were _constantly_ making fun of me.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Yeah, well—  
  
The thought ends.

**DENNIS** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
Your face got weird too.  
  
Mac laughs, not meanly.

**MAC**  
---  
  
You're no better, man.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
It's still good though, right? I mean, my face is good? You still like it?  
  
**MAC**  
  
     (beat)  
Yeah, Den. I like your face.  
  
Dennis looks up, touched, on the verge of maybe saying something when the door bangs open into them.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Shit.  
  
**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
  
What—?  
  
The door closes a little again and Mac and Dennis scramble up and apart, straightening each other's hair and clothes for a second (semi-successfully) before yanking open the door again.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
What were you guys doing back there?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
We were...  
  
**MAC**  
  
Scaring off hobos.  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Right.  
  
They push past him into the bar as one, Dennis's arm around Mac's shoulders.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
You're not the only one around here doing work, dude.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah, dude.  
  
Charlie stands in the doorway for a moment longer. He glances at the small space behind the door where they had been standing, then back into the bar after them.

CUT TO:

INT.  MAC AND DENNIS'S LIVING ROOM — DAY

Knocking on the door. The room is empty, and also littered with plastic margarita glasses (which we recognize from the Jimmy Buffett scheme, go continuity!) and empty bottles.

**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
---  
  
Mac! Dennis!  
  
CUT TO:

INT.  DENNIS'S ROOM — DAY

Mac and Dennis are passed out in a pile on Dennis's bed, both still in their clothes from the scene before. Dennis still has one sleeve mostly folded up, the other flopping over his hand, and he's lying almost entirely on top of Mac, who has lost his pants somewhere along the way. There's another empty bottle of tequila on the floor.

More banging on the door. Mac and Dennis wake up, reluctantly, pissed off. Dennis rolls onto his side and covers his eyes, grimacing.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
I'm gonna kill him...  
  
Mac pats him vaguely on the shoulder.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Welcome to forty-two, bitch.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
I would kill you too if I didn't think my head will explode the second I move.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Whatever, dude, you love me.  
  
A beat. Before Dennis can respond: banging.

**CHARLIE** (O.S.)  
---  
  
Guys, I know you're in there!  
  
Dennis groans and starts sliding off the bed. Mac makes a halfhearted attempt to grab him before he hits the floor. No dice.

CUT TO:

INT.  LIVING ROOM

Dennis stalks over to the door, hand at his temple, and throws it open.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
What.  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Whoa, dude, you look like shit.  
  
Charlie enters the apartment and surveys the damage.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
...And I can see why.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Why are you here.  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Keys!  
  
Dennis blinks.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Hm?  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
I'm looking for Dee's keys, they're not at her apartment and someone's gotta pick her up from the airport, cuz of the whole—  
  
Mimes vomiting in unnecessary detail. Dennis looks a little queasy in response.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
You do know you can't drive, right?  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Nah, Frank's gonna. He's looking at the bar right now.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Alright, well, have fun with that. I don't have her car keys, though, seeing as I have my own car which is a machine far and above any piece of shit Dee would own.  
  
**MAC** (O.S.)  
  
Got 'em.  
  
Mac walks into the room, coping with his hangover marginally better, and tosses the keys at Charlie.

Charlie only catches them on reflex because they hit him in the chest—he's a little busy processing the logistics of the scene. You can hear the gears turning.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
Uh...  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
     (to Mac)  
Why do you have Dee's keys?  
  
**MAC**  
  
She gave 'em to me before she left so no one would wreck her car while she's gone. I don't care, though, so—

     (to Charlie)  
Go wild, dude.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
No, hang on, why would she trust _you_ with them? You hate each other.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Not really. I don't know, man, you were gone, the group dynamic got weird. You missed some stuff.  
  
Charlie backs out of the room while they're talking and closes the door behind him.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
What's that supposed to mean?  
  
**MAC**  
  
What? Dude, _nothing_. It doesn't mean anything.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
You tried to replace me with my _sister_?  
  
**MAC**  
  
No! She's still _gross_. We just...  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
What?  
  
Mac shrugs and kicks a plastic margarita glass.

**MAC**  
---  
  
We missed you, dude, we... I missed you. Dee was the only one who kinda got that.  
  
It hangs in the air. Then, Dennis folds his arms.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Yeah, well... I missed you too.  
  
Dennis, wearing his "pretending to not feel a lot" face, stares at the sofa. Oh hey, there's Mac's pants.

Because he refuses to make eye contact, Dennis misses the look Mac gives him. It's a lot. Mac is looking at Dennis like he's an actual angel—his expression is a little awe, a little wonder, and a helluva lot of love.

After a moment, Mac's face softens, solidifies, and then:

**MAC**  
---  
  
Do you want to go back to bed?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
What?  
  
**MAC**  
  
I'm hungover as shit. I just wanna lie down.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Oh. Okay. Sure.  
  
Dennis nods and heads for his room. As he passes Mac, he grabs him by the hand to pull him along too. The only sound in the room is the clatter of a couple plastic cups they kick on their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally rearranged the entire fic around this chapter cuz the timeline was batshit out of order but i NEEDED this to be the twins's birthday bc: 1) the second scene of this sprang from my head fully formed one morning, and 2) dee going on her own vacation sans the gang for her birthday is good and she deserves it, so just PRETEND IT WAS AUGUST PRETEND IT WAS AUGUST 
> 
> also if you wanna read... honestly an au of this night (ie not exactly what i was picturing when i wrote it but its the same scenario) you can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17830214)
> 
> up next: i write my second "time's up for the gang" reaction fic that is (somehow!) more depressing in this context than in canon


	8. Time's Up for the Gang

FADE IN:

INT.  HOTEL — DAY

The gang is headed in the direction of where they think they saw a pool. Dennis stops right outside the conference room door so can grab Mac when he walks past.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Mac.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Wh— Hey. What's up?  
  
Dee passes them with a raised eyebrow.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
You're not gonna get weird about this, right?  
  
**MAC**  
  
Weird about what?  
  
Dennis looks ahead down the hallway to make sure the rest of the gang is out of earshot.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
I mean, you got what I was trying to say. That we have to be careful.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Yeah, dude, I got that. I don't think you had to call me ugly so many times, but—  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Well—  
  
**MAC**  
  
     (confused)  
What?  
  
Mac frowns now, and pulls his arm out of Dennis's grip. Dennis quickly puts his hands on Mac's shoulders instead.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
No, baby, come on. It was part of the act, yeah? Deflection. If I act like I hate you then no one will suspect that we're, y'know.  
  
**MAC**  
  
That we're what, Dennis?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Mac...  
  
**MAC**  
  
     (terse)  
What?  
  
Mac folds his arms but doesn't try to shake Dennis off, which Dennis takes as a sign to move on.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
We'll go get drunk by the pool, yeah? I think I saw more of those robes Frank stole on our way in and they looked soft as shit. Say what you will about the man, but he does have good taste in robes. So we'll get some robes, we'll get some margaritas, and we'll forget this whole thing. Sound good, baby boy?  
  
Dennis rubs his arms. A beat. Mac is  _so_ close to buying it. Then:

**MAC**  
---  
  
No, Dennis, you know what? I want to hear you say it.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
     (faux lighthearted and warning)  
Mac.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Or we could just actually stop. That would keep people from figuring it out, right? If there was nothing  _to_ figure out? So I'll just stop kissing you and touching you and f—  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Come on, man, you know that's not what I wanted—  
  
**MAC**  
  
Well what _do_ you want, Den?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
I...  
  
Silence. Dennis drops his hands. The distant sound of hotel business.

Mac is resigned, like this is the outcome he expected all along. Honestly, can you blame him?

**MAC**  
---  
  
Yeah.  
  
A beat as Mac gathers himself, his face shutting down. He still looks disappointed; Dennis still hasn't moved.

**MAC** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
I'll see you at the pool.  
  
He leaves Dennis in the hallway.

CUT TO:

INT.  RANGE ROVER — NIGHT

They're parked in front of the bar. Mac and Dennis are sitting silently up front as we hear the rear door bang shut. After a second, Dee appears in the driver's side window. She's loose-limbed and lightly disheveled.

**DEE**  
---  
  
Alright, later, boners.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Yeah.  
  
**MAC**  
  
Bye, Dee.  
  
She drums on the door gracelessly and squints at Dennis, who is refusing to meet her eyes.

**MAC**  
---  
  
     (tired)  
Bye, Dee.  
  
She tips her head at Dennis, waves to Mac, and wanders away. After a moment we hear her car start.

Mac and Dennis, however, have not moved a muscle.

It. Is. _Tense_.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Mac...  
  
**MAC**  
  
Dude, don't. Can we just go home?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
What are you talking about? I was just gonna ask you a simple question—  
  
**MAC**  
  
I'm just too tired for this right now, okay?  
  
Mac's hair has dried at odd angles, and they're both a little drunk, though not really any more so than usual. Dennis looks almost pissed, but more confused than anything. When it becomes apparent Mac really isn't going to say anything more, Dennis sighs and turns the car back on.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Fine.  
  
Dennis drives them home.

CUT TO:

INT.  DENNIS'S BEDROOM — NIGHT

Mac is asleep on the far side of the bed, that kind of ugly, comfortable, not-made-for-TV sleep. We see that Dennis is still wide awake and watching him. It feels like some sad indie rock should be playing quietly in the background, in that 2012 drama series way. It's raining outside, light and sporadic.

For a moment, that's all the scene is. Dark blue grey, rain sounds, Mac's snoring, Dennis looking contemplative and sad.

Then Dennis starts whispering, so quiet that even we, masters of audio levels, almost can't hear him.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Mac...?  
  
No response. Green light.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Mac, I... I didn't mean to... Alright, I did, a little, but—  
  
**MAC**  
  
(Sleepy grumbles.)  
  
Dennis freezes. A lot of silence this episode.

Still mostly asleep, Mac grabs his arm and tugs until Dennis is laying across Mac's chest. Dennis's face hasn't changed except to look a little sadder.

**MAC**  
---  
  
C'mon, Den. Sleep.  
  
The arm around Dennis's shoulder lifts so Mac can pat him on the head, once, twice, then leave his hand there as he falls back asleep. Dennis stares blankly across the room before turning his face into Mac's shirt and closing his eyes.

FADE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can truly fill in any, like, snow patrol or bloc party song in the last section, but if you wanna know what i was imagining it was 100% "guilty party" and also "carin at the liquor store", both by the national. i don't even like them that much, it's just that i listened to _sleep well beast_ all the way through while writing this is and it really jumped out
> 
> up next: back to the bar for what i consider one of the funniest things in this fic and one of the best things i've ever created


	9. The Gang Does a Clip Show

FADE IN:

INT.  PADDY'S — DAY

Mac is standing in front of three propped up pieces of poster board, akin to the arbitration meters but with only diagrams of a sort—that is, the boards are covered in drawings and arrows and notes, depicting the previous scenes with stick figures.

Dee, Charlie, and Frank are arranged in front of him at the bar, Dee and Frank on stools and Charlie standing behind them with a notebook open in front of him. Dennis, meanwhile, is pissed off and leaning against the jukebox.

**DEE**  
---  
  
Yeah, for the record? I never need to hear about my brother's sex life in that much detail.  
  
Mac rolls his eyes. Dennis sighs at Mac's eye roll, both because he's mad at Mac and because he's mad Mac got to eye rolling first and he has to settle for sighing.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Way to miss the point, Dee.  
  
Charlie, who has been reviewing his equally pictorial notes, raises his hand before Dee can argue.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
Uh, point of order?  
  
**MAC**  
  
It's not arbitration, Charlie, you can just ask.  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Right.  
  
He flips through his notes and squints at one of the more heavily circled drawings smack in the middle of the center board. It's of two figures, one comically buff and one with wavy hair, in front of a striped rectangle.

**CHARLIE** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
So when you were in jail—  
  
_That_ gets Dennis's attention.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
When we were _where?_  
  
**MAC**  
  
Dude, that's clearly Dennis's bed. Look, that's the sheets, and—  
  
**FRANK**  
  
     (raises hand and points)  
And that was when you banged?  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Oh my god...  
  
**MAC**  
  
What? You were the one who wanted to talk!  
  
Dennis storms up and grabs the marker out of Mac's hand just to point it in his face. You know, for emphasis.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
Yeah, _talk_. Not give a fucking presentation on our sex life—  
  
He jabs at the second poster. Uneven red dots surround Mac's shittily-rendered Parrothead getup.

**DENNIS** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
_With visuals_ —  
  
Back up in Mac's face, with bonus gesticulating at the gang.

**DENNIS** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
To my family and weird friend from high school!  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Ouch. Okay.  
  
Frank pats his hand. It seems to placate Charlie some, not that anyone is paying attention.

(For the record, there are also a couple of patrons in a booth by the door. No one notices them, but that's okay—the inability to care less is mutual.)

**MAC**  
---  
  
I don't get why we had to talk at all! If you want to stop having sex, then we'll just stop having sex and go back to normal!  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
That's not—!

     (frustrated yell)  
That's not what I'm talking about!  
  
**DEE**  
  
Uh, hold on a sec?  
  
Mac and Dennis look over at her, bewildered. Dee continues holding up one finger as she leans over to conference with Frank and Charlie. They're at it for a while, long enough that Mac and Dennis almost forget why they were fighting. At some point after money changes hands and Frank jots something down, they reconvene, Charlie apparently now in charge.

**CHARLIE**  
---  
  
So, to clarify: you guys... _aren't_ dating?  
  
**MAC/DENNIS**  
  
What?  
  
| **MAC** | **DENNIS**  
---|---  
No, of course not, Dennis doesn't— | Okay, well, I mean, we kinda—  
  
Beat.

**MAC/DENNIS**  
---  
  
What?  
  
| **MAC** | **DENNIS**  
---|---  
But you don't—?      | I thought you knew I—  
**DEE**  
  
Oh my god, are you for real?  
  
**CHARLIE**  
  
Seriously, guys, even I could tell.  
  
**FRANK**  
  
You two are the biggest morons—  
  
**MAC**  
  
Hold on, hold on. Shut up.  
  
He waves his hands sharply in the general direction of the rest of the gang. Everyone shuts up for a second.

**MAC** (CONT'D)  
---  
  
     (to Dennis)  
Did you think we were dating?  
  
Dennis crosses his arms. He looks caught out, angry and embarrassed, but nods/shrugs once.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
I mean, I didn't— You know I don't do— But, y'know. I thought you knew that you're... different... That things are different with you.  
  
The rest of the gang looks, quite frankly, baffled. Mac looks adoring, and he takes a step forward.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Dennis! I didn't know that! I thought you just wanted to have sex and that I might as well take what I can get because you'd never love me back.  
  
**DENNIS**  
  
Yeah, well I—  
  
He glances over at the rest of the gang. They are already looking back, and the eye contact seems to shake Dennis a little until he looks back at Mac. Mac doesn't notice any of this.

**DENNIS**  
---  
  
     (quiet, rough)  
I do.  
  
Everyone falls silent, Dennis avoiding everyone's eyes, Mac totally lovestruck, and the rest of the gang still boggling at the scene.

**MAC**  
---  
  
Dennis...  
  
He takes the marker from Dennis, tosses it somewhere, and reaches out again to take both of Dennis's hands. Dennis is hyper-aware of their audience but doesn't pull away. Mac's face is tipped up towards Dennis's and Dennis looks in danger of reciprocating, so:

We cut to the countershot of Dee, Charlie, and Frank, like even the camera is too intrusive.

**DEE**  
---  
  
Oookay, well, clearly they have some things to work out, so maybe we should—  
  
A clatter off-screen.

Cut to: Mac and Dennis making out against a pillar. The clatter is supposedly because they've kicked over one of the diagrams.

Back to Dee, continued clattering with additional... noises.

**DEE**  
---  
  
Yeah, nope, I'm out!  
  
We see Dee, Charlie, and Frank hurry their way out of Paddy's, the remaining barflys in their wake, and Mac and Dennis still making out in the background.

FADE OUT.

END OF EPISODE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need you all to know that mac sneaks those poster boards home and keeps them like under the mattress in his old room for years and years and years
> 
> i hope you enjoyed. lemme know if you did. sorry classes are back on and i'm getting whelmed again

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to leave kudos and comment if you liked this! rate review and subscribe etc, because i love talking about this show with people but none of my friends watch it and i am lonely and love feedback
> 
> tumblr @[lamphous](http://lamphous.tumblr.com) and @[sensitiveintellectualtype](http://sensitiveintellectualtype.tumblr.com) (sunny sideblog)


End file.
